When I got to the place where I couldn’t stand myself anymore, where I didn’t want to be the person I’d always been. And not do the same things I’d always done, I can see now that’s when I had reached the breaking point.
The pain of being me had broken my very soul. Fuck.
It wasn’t the drinking, it wasn’t ever the drugs. It was me. It wasn’t the traffic or the other drivers. It wasn’t other people at all. Well, it was some of those people…but when that blanket of denial was pulled back just far enough I could see, when a light came on that cast a clarity almost too bright on what I’d been doing to myself nothing ever looked the same again in the days after.
Thinking back to that moment and all the desperate, frantic pain, tortured to tears, completely sober and sick of being myself, that’s when I turned a corner and walked down a path I’d only heard other people talk about.
Life brings me a lot of happiness. Like going to a real estate open house with Maggie just for fun. Or seeing an unexpected cute little flower in my yard. Or eating cherry pie bars with Sara on a normal weeknight.
Most days I remember those are gifts from the cosmos. I only need be my best self and I get all the blessings. God will literally throw shit at me to be happy about.
Here, this is awesome. Take it. Wait, here’s some more. Take this shit, too.
I got happiness all over me like I’m a clown hit in the face with that very cherry pie.
My eyes will literally tear up from happiness. Grace, peeps.
Then there are times when I’m not feeling the kind of happiness that overwhelms me with gratitude. Some days I feel down right blue. Through and through. That’s just life. It’s not all sunshine and flower petals.
But me being who I am my mind can start looking at those things directly to fill me up. I’ll want to selfishly pick the flowers and make them mine. Hold them tight to make me happy. I forget that those things aren’t the true source of happiness. They’re only gifts.
I won’t be happy for long when I set my eyes on the tangible. My happiness is a gift from god for being my best self.
Since the magazine was a time and money sink and didn’t generate as much interest as I’d hoped, I decided to give book publishing a try. The good news is that people can buy the book on Amazon whereas the magazine they couldn’t.
If the book doesn’t pan out I’m going to abandon the printed world altogether.
I also never fulfilled all the magazine subscriptions so my plan is to send the last subscribers a free copy of the book. All 232 pages!