I was talking with Jimi the other night and I realized something again: I don’t have anything to feel bad about. Because the good news that comes with walking a straight narrow path is that I go about my day feeling good, like I’m headed in the right direction.
No secrets to keep. No regrets to wrestle. No guilt to produce. If you’ve done any of that you’ll know what I’m talking about. You know what I mean when I say that, “I’m worried that particular somebody will find out about what I’ve done.” Or whatever.
I ain’t got none of that. And I’d have to think hard for the last time I did.
Yeah, I got a whole other book of sad stories of drunken stupors and less than exotic and more than toxic secrets. Where I was worried somebody’s husband was going to find out or that my ex-wife would learn the truth. But I won’t because those stories are no longer relevant. I tried in earnest to clean up those mistakes as best I could.
My point being is that I walk with my chin up in the here-and-now. Because that’s the kind of life we’re all supposed to live.
Well, I could tell you the story of when I was 19-ish and drunk and disorderly and pissed on a girl’s couch because I was mad at her. But I guess I don’t feel bad about that.
Seeking equality, fairness, the greater good…that does something remarkable for me. It breaks my selfish bubble. It makes me a whole human being. It gives me freedom.
But wait, there’s more. So much more. Seeking balance and harmony for all…brings me out of my despair. It brings light to my darkness. It brings healing to my pain. It lifts me up and out of feeling down and blue, up to the level of okay I was looking for much of my life. And being okay inside and out is the remarkable place I was talking about earlier.
When I make life not all about my pleasure or my suffering, oh wow is it good. It’s elevation.
Like inwardly summiting a spiritual Mt Everest and bringing everyone else up top to share the view.
You probably already knew all of that but it took me almost a lifetime to figure out.
Most of it was spent cleaning and packing up my house. That was a lot. I lived there for 11 years, the longest place I’d ever lived in my life. I threw away countless bags of trash, of life debris and clutter. ⛸
Peeps, you know how sometimes you want something so bad. Think about it day after day, get angry and frustrated because nothing changes… I get it. I’ve had my fair share of being stuck in jobs, relationships, stuck in some kind of mud.
But trust me when I say that good things are being sorted out in the background. Too often it takes a long mother-clucking time but the stars *will* align. Possibly a couple years later.
It’s okay to give up hope now and then, but keep some trust in your back pocket. The cosmos will sneak up and scare the shit out of you with beautiful things. Be ready.
PS- I don’t play in the symphony but sometimes I pretend I do 🎼 🎶