When I got to the place where I couldn’t stand myself anymore, where I didn’t want to be the person I’d always been. And not do the same things I’d always done, I can see now that’s when I had reached the breaking point.
The pain of being me had broken my very soul. Fuck.
It wasn’t the drinking, it wasn’t ever the drugs. It was me. It wasn’t the traffic or the other drivers. It wasn’t other people at all. Well, it was some of those people but when that blanket of denial was pulled back just far enough I could see, when a light came on that cast a clarity almost too bright on what I’d been doing to myself nothing ever looked the same again in the days after.
Thinking back to that moment and all the desperate, frantic pain, tortured to tears, completely sober and sick of being myself, that’s when I turned a corner and walked down a path I’d only heard other people talk about.
I don’t know how many times I was in a gas station early in the morning, looking for convenience store relief from the fiery hangovers from hell but it was a lot.
To quote Jason Mendoza (of the Good Place): “Any time I had a problem, I’d throw a Molotov Cocktail and *BOOM*, right away, I had a different problem!”
That’s the one I’ve heard a lot and like. I clearly remember somebody saying this to me when I was in early recovery and stressed as my messy life situation(’s) were slowly untangling from the web I created during my active alcoholism. At the time those problems seemed unsolvable. Now, many months later, all those “problems” have solved themselves. How about that!
“None of us come into recovery on a winning streak.”
Today I’ve drawn sober breaths for 7 straight years in a row. 🎉
The picture is from December 2011, the last one from the drinking era. I never wanted to look at the camera. Pictures have a way of capturing our soul, documenting for future generations. For good or for bad.
Today, I’m sure I don’t smell the same.
I am, however, wearing the same White Sox hoodie this very moment.
Congratulations, Travis!!! I am so very very proud of you, and I know your family and friends are also… That little bright shining star that is standing by your side has always been there, and what a little doll! Keep up the good work. I’m sure it has been and is very hard. Love you 🤗👏❤️🎉
For reference here’s my front yard today. The right fence corner is no longer visible with the little bushes taking over. The left has more trees and a rose bush. Maggie’s swing is long gone. Cars have came and went.
Change is inevitable but more importantly, growth doesn’t happened over night. It takes time, sunshine, and fresh air. Inside and out.
I’m grateful for all of you, who stand in the sunlight with me. ☀️ I wouldn’t be able to make the journey alone.
When I was newly sober, having a list of amends to make was like having a big pile of bills to pay. And I hate that feeling: a stack of checks to write and a list of people and places I owe. It’s just always on my mind, lingering in the back row like somebody murmuring behind you at the movies. When I stopped drinking my conscious woke up and I start hearing the voices of remorse.
And then there was that one time when I was in high school that I stole a whole bunch of books from the public library. It was way back when shoplifting was easy. Go in with a nearly empty backpack, load it up with Hobbit adventures, and walk out. Just be careful and it was really that easy. I didn’t feel any guilt at the time because for whatever reason in my head, the world owed me.
I’m going to speaking at the Geneva Open tonight. You should come if you got nothing going on. Yeah, it’s been snowing but are we mice or men? Or women? I’m too old to keep up with any other 2019 genders.
In any account, this is an open meeting so that means that public folk are welcome. No, you won’t have to talk or say anything.
8pm at the United Methodist Church on Hamilton and 2nd in Geneva.
One time when I was drinking I put a lawn chair in the middle of the yard that runs along the side of my house. My thought was that it’d be the perfect spot to keep tabs on the neighbors from a slightly covert location.
A couple days later when I was sober I remembered the lawn chair and returned it to the back deck. I felt somewhat embarrassed afterward as it was a somewhat embarrassing place to have lawn furniture. Sitting shamefully in the grass along the side of the house.
If you ever see a guy sitting in a lawnchair in his side yard, it would be safe to assume he’s drunk.
And then there was that one time when I was in high school and in a car wreck. Of course I was drinking so the details are all a blur. I had huge gash on the top of my head after hitting the windshield. I would tend to believe there was enough blood to make people worry.
My friends and I are outside the car and the police are there and it’s all a big commotion. The car’s smashed, there’s broken glass, flashing lights blue and red.
Never did figure out why the cop returned your driver’s license to your grandmother’s the next day. He took it at the hospital because I said you weren’t able to consent to a blood test (you didn’t even know what month it was). He said that was refusal to take the test, I said whatever.
tism
annekothe
Momma J
vaughn3 · Apr 10, 2019 at 1:46 pm
Well said
Thank you!
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I had never heard it put that way, but well said.
Thanks ❤️
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