Afternoon sunbeams in the trees, April 2008
So on Monday night I was up past 1am, way beyond when I should’ve been asleep. Way beyond. I’m old and really shouldn’t be pretending that I’m still in my teens. Every now and then though something magical grabs hold of me though and I’m up for all hours.
Anyways on Tuesday (yesterday) morning I’m driving to work sleepy as hell1 and I started my morning directional prayer. I always ask for guidance when I’m driving to work, that’s when I first pray.
The prayer was something humbly along the lines of…
God, me staying up way past my bedtime and feeling cranky right now is totally my fault. It’s all my doing. I wasn’t stressed, can’t blame staying up late on some childhood issue or anybody else. It’s all on me. But if ya got a little help to spare in me making it through this day without being an asshole, I’d appreciate it. Whatever your will is, please just help me accept it.
I had an email waiting for me at work that I wasn’t all too eager to deal with. I was sure something had blown up, that I was going to have to respond with some bad news to the client. After I investigated the email and related issue though, I found out that there was no issue. It was a mistaken date range on the report and that was the end of it.
The rest of my workday was pretty much stress free as well and that rarely happens. I put my headphones on, listened to my favorite #musicvideos and just did mind-numbing, uneventful work all day.
That my friends is another example of grace pure and simple. Sometimes I’m let off the hook even when I shouldn’t be, even when I put myself on that hook — the only thing I had to do was ask. That doesn’t always happen but when it does, it’s profoundly meaningful in ways I cannot describe.
So much of my spiritual beliefs are built on personal experience. After I had a handful of encounters with grace, I really started feeling it was something real.
When I was drinking it was an endless cycle of me drinking irresponsibly, screwing up, and then drinking some more.
In the here-and-now I try really hard to make it an endless cycle of me screwing up, asking for God’s help, and accepting whatever outcome comes my way. Most days I’m grateful, too.
1 I wanted to say “fuck” because that’s what you do when you’re me but I’m trying to clean up my act.