Last night Waterline Writers was hosting their Feb 18th reading event. My plan was to go and do the Open Mic thing after listening to the main authors do their thing. I picked out a couple of pieces to read and as I was reviewing, practicing, preparing my sermon it didn’t feel right.
It’s not that I didn’t feel confident in my material or anything but what I’d picked out were better reading pieces and not speaking pieces. And then I knew I’d be nervous, too. I still get nervous before I speak at 12-step meetings and I know all of them people. Plus, I can yap all day long about recovery once I get started.
As I laid in bed with my printouts I knew I could power through an Open Mic, though. It’d be awkward and not my best performance but whatever. I don’t want to eat the same caterpillar leaves I always have. It’s important to put myself out there. Out in the real world and not just out on Facebook or the other online social clubs.
But still, some little part of me wasn’t “all in” like I am or can be in life. Sometimes I just “know” what I’m supposed to do and then other times I don’t. I run back and forth between opposing sides of the teeter totter because I’m not sold on which seat I’ve currently settled on.
Sometimes I’ll struggle with the a- is this just not a good idea or b- is my anxiety standing in the way.
And then the cosmos pointed out which teeter was the better totter.
I used to go to three meetings a week. And then it went down to two for sure. And then I started to loose track.
Before last night I couldn’t remember the last meeting I went to. That’s never a good sign.
So to wrap this up: I’ll never go wrong doing for others when me myself am not sure what to do.