I’m having another party. You’re obviously invited. I know that it’s only nine days away but whatever, that’s how I do. If you can’t come, don’t worry there’ll be another. If you can come, that’s awesome!
Feel free to bring a guest or two or three. And your kids. Or not. If you don’t know me or my friends, come anyway. You’ll have fun.
I’ll probably make vegetarian chili and maybe will have a cake. I’ll have snacks and drinks, too. You can bring whatever you want. If you don’t know my house rules for alcohol, they go like this: you can bring a bottle of wine but no boxed wine. You can bring a bottle of your favorite stout but no six-packs. You get the idea.
I would rather skip the presents. I order enough shit from Amazon. Yes, I have a mini pirate telescope, a banana slicer, an otamatone, and so on.
I won’t make puppets this time because people around here aren’t into them I guess. I may force you to watch 1984’s Sixteen Candles since it’s a birthday movie.
Do you ever wanna say, “fuck this workday” and then turn off your computer and give your nearest co-worker a high-five as you storm out the office door, then slide down the stairwell railing and hop in your car, then drive to Home Goods and get that stainless steel spatula you’ve had your eye on for the last two months, and then stop at the petshop and pick out a pair of award winning pups?
Then get an email alert on your work phone and throw the piece of shit out the passenger window, frisbee style while driving with your knees, the silverly spatula twinkling in your left hand and the fuzzy doggos under your right arm, all the while Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty’s Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around is blaring from your car stereo?
Alcoholics can related to this. I’m not sure if others will…
But one of the things that made it so easy for me to continue drinking was that I never had any real consequences. I never was in jail for more than a day or so, the bank never threatened to take my house. My jobs were always more than supportive and somehow I still have all my fingers and toes.
It’s not that I didn’t think about the consequences. I could think about them all day long, but if it were in my head that I was gonna drink, there was simply no stopping me. I didn’t resist at all. There was no debate, no trying to convince myself it was the wrong thing to do. I never tried to talk myself out of it. All of that internal yammering was too painful and willpower is nonexistent when I’m drinking. It was easier to just give in, give up, quit fighting a fight I’d never win.