This almost made me cry.

And fuck the earplugs. “We want it loud.” .. 🎸

#advancedsoul #musicvideos #greenday

It’s before 9am on a Sunday morning and I’m already sweating my balls off trying to capture the wonder of this coneflower.

Due to the hot and humid weather conditions there will be no uplifting or spiritual message attached.

Happy sweaty Sunday, peeps!

#photos #flowers #advancedsoul #weather

Day before yesterday I posted…

It seems as if there are almost too many things that we’ll never get over.

We just learn to live with them.

…and I’ve been thinking lots about that whole topic ever since.

Some of you may know this story and some may not.

I was married for a brief era in the mid 90s. My wife at the time was pregnant and she carried our baby the full nine months. When she was due we rushed to the hospital and then something went horribly wrong.

They took Kathy to another room and had me and her family over in some waiting area. I could hear the baby crying and crying. Medical staff was running back-and-forth. A lot of commotion for sure. And then it was over. The baby died 15 minutes or so after she was born.

The loss of a child, the unexpected death of a loved one, traumatic physical injury, those types of pains are things we never get over. They just become part of who we are. Our life stories shape us, define us. We are who we are because of what’s happened while we’ve been alive.

Every time I hear a story about a child dying it almost always makes me sad. It pulls at my heart strings because I can relate. I think about being in that hospital with Kathy in the middle of nowhere Iowa and the emotional earthquake that changed everything. And the aftershocks are still with me not because I haven’t prayed for acceptance or processed my grief. It’s because it’s part of my story now. There’s no getting over it. There was no quick solution for dealing with the flood of feelings that came afterward.

In related news I read once that our parents’ memories can be passed to us genetically. Not like vivid, detailed recollections but more subliminal feelings, maybe subtle intuitions. When I read the article I thought, “fuck… our experiences are literally fused into our DNA.”

My feelings of loss can even resurface unexpectedly when I’m having a great moment with Maggie. I always wanted to be a dad and my first chance was taken away from me. Abruptly. Am I going to get over that? No. Don’t ever ask someone to. Pain of that magnitude will stop when it’s done working you over. My part is just to process and carry on.

Sometimes life works out how we want and sometimes it doesn’t. But it’s never about the outcome. It’s about the experience. It’s the shifts in our soul that offer to make us bigger people. We learn how to love and support each other.

When we look back over our lifetimes they’ll be overflowing with memories. Some good, some great and some bad, and others horrible. That sudden death helped make me be the best dad that I can be for Maggie. I know that it has.

Don’t be quick to discard life defining moments. We need those experiences to build better lives in the here and now.

Keep living, peeps. Keep loving. No matter what. ❤️

#photos #maggie #advancedsoul #theleftovers

Unfurl your wings and soar mighty and proud!

#photos #advancedsoul #JLS

Do you ever wrestle with something for months on end?

Never making any ground, toiling away in frustration?

Knowing full well what the spiritual solution is but not being able to incorporate?

And then wake up one morning after a restless night with a feeling that something finally clicked?

And then from the bottom of your soul shout FREEDOM in your best Mel Gibson?

I hope so because it’s a beautiful thing.

Healing is a process. It really is.

And often times I can’t decide how I want to be. I just have to let go and let the cosmos take hold.

#photos #advancedsoul

You guys remember when Bill and Ted said, “be excellent to each other.”

I loved that line and that movie but being excellent all the time is hard. Like I’m driving and some fuckwad cuts me off, and then comes to a near complete stop when turning right. Excellence is the about the last thing in my fingertips.

Put them in the iron maiden

You guys know about washing machines and when they agitate clothes. I can feel a similar emotional agitation.

But then one time early in the morning while Sara was asleep I read something most triumphant in her Pema pocket book:

be 100 percent decent

After reading her words I felt a momentary peaceful release. We don’t have to be heroes. We don’t have to be Lincoln or Socrates. We only need to be decent in life.

It’s easy for me to hold myself to high standards and then end up disappointed when I fall short.

I can be decent though.

Most of the time.

PS- the photos are from Sara and I’s rental when we were in Louisville at the end of March. The statue and the painting were both romantically in the bedroom. They kinda/sorta go with this post.

#photos #advancedsoul

Do you know what I really hate?

When somebody is being over-the-top nice after they’ve fucked something up.

Do you know what I really like?

When someone offers up a sincere apology and then gets on with the day.

Own it. Regret it. Forget it.

Take five minutes, have a real conversation, and then go back to regular life.

If I don’t acknowledge I can come across like an unsympathetic magician. Trying to trick you into paying attention to my magic rabbit and hat. All the while my other hand is holding a bloody knife. I’m not fooling anyone.

And then if I’m dancing around like an out-of-the-ordinary, out-of-control ballerina with an obviously fabricated sugary song and dance, it only makes whatever transgression worse. It prolongs the distress.

Elaine said to me seven years ago, “…and don’t grovel.”

I get “wanting to make it better” with flowers from up my sleeve and I’m sure I’ve tried to pull rosy ruses myself. But keep it to a minimum. Otherwise it’s a black reminder. The fuck up lingers like a red rubber band, stretching the hurt out for way longer than it needs to.

Humility. Brevity. Authenticity. I won’t go wrong with these.

#relationships #advancedsoul

Life brings me a lot of happiness. Like going to a real estate open house with Maggie just for fun. Or seeing an unexpected cute little flower in my yard. Or eating cherry pie bars with Sara on a normal weeknight.

Most days I remember those are gifts from the cosmos. I only need be my best self and I get all the blessings. God will literally throw shit at me to be happy about.

Here, this is awesome. Take it. Wait, here’s some more. Take this shit, too.

I got happiness all over me like I’m a clown hit in the face with that very cherry pie.

My eyes will literally tear up from happiness. Grace, peeps.

Then there are times when I’m not feeling the kind of happiness that overwhelms me with gratitude. Some days I feel down right blue. Through and through. That’s just life. It’s not all sunshine and flower petals.

But me being who I am my mind can start looking at those things directly to fill me up. I’ll want to selfishly pick the flowers and make them mine. Hold them tight to make me happy. I forget that those things aren’t the true source of happiness. They’re only gifts.

I won’t be happy for long when I set my eyes on the tangible. My happiness is a gift from god for being my best self.

Then I get the presents. 🎁

#advancedsoul

I have a tendency to want a fast, definitive answer when I’m nervous and unsure. Even doubly so when I panic.

I look down and back and forth like the answer is somewhere on the floor.

But it’s not. Rubbernecking for a quick answer seems to lock me into a finite way of thinking and fixing whatever’s wrong.

The question isn’t “what should I do?”

The question is “what could I do?”

Asking what I could do opens up doors. It helps me think bigger picture. Keeps my options open and plugs me in to all the cosmos has to offer.

The possibilities are endless when I look up and close my eyes.

Jet overhead, circa June 2008

#advancedsoul #photos #blueskies

After I’ve made a mess of things because I’m nervous I remember the question I was supposed to ask:

Where is god in all of this?

See also:

The wind blows the hardest the closer you get to the mountain top.
–Leland Owlsley

#advancedsoul #protip #photos #flowers