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I’ve always been at war with machine X

tcr! · 2 days ago

ABC Piano Keys

I can only feel hurt and blame someone else for so long. And after that time is over I have to either say something or let it go. I don’t have the right to hold onto my hurt for years if I’m not gonna do anything about it. Not doing anything other than hurting, well, it’s not fair to the other person and it’s definitely not fair to me.

Living with that hurt keeps me from being the best me that I can be. That hurt stand in the way of all of my relationships.

There’s a lot to be said for saying something out loud. When things are up in my head I can’t make sense of them. My thoughts are like a whirlpool or tornado. Or both. They’re just going around and around and they don’t make any sense. My emotions are all muddy and I can’t get the clarity to know up from down.

I don’t sit with things very long in the here-and-now because I’ve learned that life lesson. That I’m only going to be hurting myself and most likely innocent bystanders by not speaking up.

Also, I never write something in hopes that someone else will read it. That misses the point of everything I just wrote.

Just go talk to him →

#protip #advancedsoul

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Jan 14th, 2018 at 8:47:35 am

tcr! · 4 days ago

“Someone said, the other day, that hell is isolation. That hell is disconnection from the universe.”


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No sirens, no lights, just horsepower

tcr! · 6 days ago

Outer Rim FRMBOY license plate

When I was driving to work this morning a sheriff’s car was behind me in the other lane. As we approached the intersection on Randall and 64 the stoplight turned yellow. I slowed down and stopped because I’m sure the sheriff had his eye on me. And of course my license plates are expired.

So then the sheriff gunned his car and blew through the red light. No sirens, no lights, just horsepower. Whether or not he was within his law enforcement privileges to do such isn’t important to what I’m writing here.

What is relevant is that at one time in my life I would’ve thought to myself, “Eff’ing cops.”

But I don’t think that way anymore. There are only policemen. Some are good, some are bad. Just because one guy does something doesn’t mean that I should throw out the whole lot.

Just the same, I don’t think of the “damn mexicans” anymore. Nor do I think of the “stupid white boys” or the “blood sucking lawyers” or the “strung out crackheads” or the “christian zealots” or even the “soccer moms.”

Taking time to know people from those groups, talking with them, learning about their lives and struggles, wins and loses — all of that — has only made my life better. It’s made me a bigger person, bigger than the small town cracker I was growing up in Iowa.[1]

Okay fine, we can categorize people. There may be some truths in stereotypes. But there’s a difference between that and judging people, condemning a whole race or social group.

I don’t know about you guys but I don’t like being lumped into a group because of what somebody else did. Or didn’t do. I want to be judged based on who I am and what I do.

At the end of the day we’re all just humans. You’ll find good and bad in any group. I want to look for the good. I’ll never go wrong with seeing people as individuals and making new friends.


  1. See what I did there? I called myself a cracker…but not everybody in every rural town in Iowa.

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Jan 9th, 2018 at 7:59:25 am

tcr! · Jan 9, 2018 at 7:59 am

Every now and then I’ll get hung up on thinking that as soon as I have the right job everything else will fall into place.

Or that as soon as I paint every room in the house then I can relax.

Or maybe when I get the right haircut I’ll be happy.

However, that kind of happiness will never come. If I live a spiritual life then I’ll be happy now. Regardless.


keamoose keamoose · Jan 9, 2018 at 7:13 pm

When I was 12 or so, my mom said something along the lines of “wherever you go, you can’t get away from yourself”. More or less the same thing you’re saying, I think.

That said, my current haircut makes me pretty giddy.

tcr! tcr! · Jan 9, 2018 at 8:19 pm

Haha! As does my beard. 😊

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Speaking of REO Speedwagon

tcr! · Jan 4, 2018 at 7:14 am

And then there was that one time (yesterday) that I was thinking pretty much everyone I meet and know in the here and now aren’t dicks. It’s a big shift in my perspective.

When I was younger I used to believe that most people were assholes but then as I was thinking yesterday, I realized my thoughts had changed. For the better. More than likely I just remembered the assholes, too, that they made more of an impression on me. Because they were obnoxious. And I was real good at that whole focusing on the negative instead of the positive thing. Over and over again.

Your 90s heroes, Bush, sang “I’m addicted to bullshit” way back when. I can relate to that. “Addicted” is a strong word but bullshit is what I knew.

Anyways, along the same lines, we find what we’re looking for and having a clearer mind at the moment, I can honestly say that the people I encounter now are decent, caring human beings. Doing their best to make the world a better place. Doing more than they have to in life.

Not that they go full-tilt, Mother Teresa kinda shit, but they do just a little bit more than required. Just a little bump extra. And that’s what makes all the difference in people’s lives. Going full-tilt can burn me out. It’s better if I just do a little bit more each day.

In the same song Bush also sang “it’s all the little things that kill.” But wait, the little things can make the world pretty awesome as well.

Another big part to all of this is the people I hang out with. Not too many unsavory types these days. Regardless of what the magnet says, “like” can and also attract “like.”

I’m grateful for my friends, you guys. Just knowing all of you makes me a better person.

And to quote that same song one final time, “bigger you give, bigger you get.”

I wanna be big today and all of you help me get there. Watching you give, inspires me to.

#advancedsoul #musicvideos #bush

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So long as I continue to do it

tcr! · Dec 30, 2017 at 10:06 am

Amaryllis starting to open

I’m overly fond of how they worded all of the Twelve Steps.

Case in point: the 11th Step doesn’t say that we pray in the morning and meditate in the afternoon or whatever. It says that we continued to seek, it doesn’t say when or where or how. And the reason they didn’t put it on a schedule is because some people might work the third shift.

It’s really that simple. It’s not up to me to assume that everybody else’s life is just like mine and they need to work the steps just as I do.

Sometimes I kneel when I pray. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes my prayers last five seconds and sometimes they’re extended. Sometimes all my heart and soul are in the them. Sometimes I’m just mouthing the words. That’s okay. Because I’m praying.

I never sit Indian style with my hands on my knees and meditate either. That doesn’t work for me. I either end up falling asleep or thinking about something nonsensical. And the point of meditation for me is to quiet my mind. To listen. To not to have all the crazy monkey chatter going on. Just shut it all down and let my thoughts come and go as they please.

The only way that I can do that for long is to have some meaningless, mind-numbing task to do. Maybe I’ll meditate when I’m folding laundry or doing the dishes or cutting the grass or just riding my bike.

It doesn’t matter. However I do it is fine so long as I continue to do it. “Continue” and “sought” are the first two keywords in the 11th Step.

Only seeking God’s will when I pray is also important. One of my most often prayers in early recovery was:

“God, I don’t care what happens just help me accept it.”

Prayers for me don’t work. Prayers for God’s will do. They keep me focused. They keep me out of what I want and in what’s really important.

And after I pray I meditate. Sometimes only for a moment, sometimes more. I put myself out there and I need to be open to the cosmos sending something back.

God speaks to us. Directly. It took me a long time to let go of the notion that God is separate from us. That God’s somewhere else, far away. But I don’t believe that God is anymore. I believe that God is here. Right here. Right now. With me, with each of us. In this very room. Or wherever you’re reading this.

Quiet your mind and feel the presence. We’re never alone. Tune out the static. It’s irrelevant. Embrace the peace.

You deserve it.

PS- The plant in the picture is an amaryllis. I got it from Trader Joe’s.

#advancedsoul #twelvesteps

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I can be a fruity butterfly

tcr! · Dec 21, 2017 at 9:39 pm

Bossk in the flowers

When I worked Step One I was in horrible pain. Nightmarish pain that’d wake me up at night. Constant emotional pain unlike anything I’d felt in my life. And that pain continued on, up until after I’d worked my Fifth Step. But then after Step Seven I started to really feel that peace, that everything was gonna be okay. The overwhelming good feeling that comes from walking a spiritual path.

When I started making my Eighth Step list I wasn’t motivated by pain so much anymore to finish the steps. I was motivated because I wanted something more than what I’d always had in life. I wanted more of the happiness that I’d been given. I was still willing to do whatever it took to stay sober but the willingness came from a different place.

For maybe half of my life I’ve been unhappy. Discontent with how my life was going, what I was doing. Sitting where I do now I know that unhappiness is on me. Sure, I was just doing what I knew how to do but I’d made myself miserable. I wanted something more from life and I knew that making the Eighth Step list and making my Ninth Step amends would help change fundamentally who I was. I’m passive in life and stepping outside of myself, going beyond my limitations was something I knew I could do. And it all started with asking god for help. And being willing.

So when I got home from work today I tried to take a nap but I just couldn’t rest for whatever reason. I went downstairs and the cats were yelling because their food bowl wasn’t full enough. Then the robot vacuum tangled itself up in the Christmas tree skirt and was about to tumble down the stairs.

With not getting a nap and the cats and the vacuum, I was losing my patience. Ugh. Plus, I hadn’t had dinner yet.

So then I’m eating cereal and trying to read my meditation books, snap me out whatever funk I’m in. I picked up the first one and rolled my eyes. Ya, I know about that. I picked up the second one and was like, “fuck I’ve read all of this before.”

I felt like the person that I’d been before. Restless, frustrated, and overall just discontent.

When I picked up the third one it’s about a caterpillar on a leaf. YES. It sounded a straightforward bell, something simple that I could latch onto. A concept without complex thoughts and overly wordy spiritual truths.

The caterpillar spends much of his life eating the same leaves, day in and day out. But then something happens and it grows into something more, it turns into a butterfly. It can fly wherever it wants, sample the sweet nectar from a whole world of flowers. It’s not limited to the leaves that it’s always had. It’s been graced with a newly found freedom.

It got me thinking that I can eat the same leaves I always have. I can have my same life. I can be constantly frustrated and throwing my hands up in the air. Or I can let go and do something different. Be something different. I can be a fruity butterfly.

I got my knees afterward and prayed, asked God into my life, to help me live that better kind of life. That I know about.

After I said my prayers the cats came over, trying to love on me. And then I gave them some love back. Life’s just not about me. When I get outside of myself and do for others, life takes on a new meaning. One that feels full.

Even though I’ve been sober I still need to pray for willingness, still need to pray for help. It’s that old saying that “just because I got sober doesn’t mean I get to stay sober.” Sometimes the dysfunctional thinking kicks in and I just want to give up, hide from my responsibilities, and not deal with life.

I don’t want that life anymore though. I’m willing to do whatever it takes just like I became willing to make my amends. I want my life to have meaning, to have purpose.

I want it to be big. Cosmically big.

#advancedsoul #twelvesteps

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If you’re feeling sad

tcr! · Dec 21, 2017 at 9:34 am

I meant to post this back in August but today will do.

#advancedsoul #email

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Clouds painted the sky

tcr! · Dec 20, 2017 at 7:57 am

Clouds painted the sky this morning

Peeps, the clouds painted the sky this morning. This reminds me of biblical verse Sexton 6:11 which reads something like…

In this moment I giveth to you a heaven full of love, that you may be filled with peaceful humility. That you may forsake the limitations of yesterday and overflow in the unworldly happiness of today. Shareth with all thy neighbors, as if you could only see each man, woman, and child as whole human beings, as children of god, just as you. Let compassion and grace and wonder be your guide. Even while driving.

#photos #advancedsoul #sunrise

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Sun glows in the mirrors

tcr! · Dec 16, 2017 at 8:19 am

Sun glows in the mirrors

As I lay here in bed before I get up to make coffee I was enjoying the morning glow.

Sometimes I’ll get just a glimmer of something in life and think, “I want more of that!” But then I’ll sit around and wait for the universe to give it to me.

And then before I know it the glow is gone and I’m sad that I missed out.

Sure, I’m blessed with many things in life but often times I need to get up and open the curtain if I want to stand in the sunlight.

The sun is coming up, peeps. And it’s shining just for you.

🌞 #photos #sunrise #advancedsoul

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