Well, what we got here is a phone call I had with my good friend Jimi, recorded earlier in the month. I mention or quote him from time to time on my blog and in my podcast. And he’s been a good friend for a close to three decades.
I met Jimi in the early 90s in Iowa when I first got sober. Stayed friends with him in the 2000s while I relapsed in Oregon. And then of course he was there after I sobered up again in Illinois in the early 2010s.
Jimi’s a saint and a scholar. He’s the big brother I never had. He’s made me think and laugh and let me in on the life secret, “everything is going to be okay.” Because… “the best is yet to come.”
So my thought going into the phone call was that it would be a test run recording, check audio levels, and see how well we both did under the mic.
I was talking with Jimi the other night and I realized something again: I don’t have anything to feel bad about. Because the good news that comes with walking a straight narrow path is that I go about my day feeling good, like I’m headed in the right direction.
No secrets to keep. No regrets to wrestle. No guilt to produce. If you’ve done any of that you’ll know what I’m talking about. You know what I mean when I say that, “I’m worried that particular somebody will find out about what I’ve done.” Or whatever.
I ain’t got none of that. And I’d have to think hard for the last time I did.
Yeah, I got a whole other book of sad stories of drunken stupors and less than exotic and more than toxic secrets. Where I was worried somebody’s husband was going to find out or that my ex-wife would learn the truth. But I won’t because those stories are no longer relevant. I tried in earnest to clean up those mistakes as best I could.
My point being is that I walk with my chin up in the here-and-now. Because that’s the kind of life we’re all supposed to live.
Well, I could tell you the story of when I was 19-ish and drunk and disorderly and pissed on a girl’s couch because I was mad at her. But I guess I don’t feel bad about that.
I shared this with Jimi earlier tonight. I sometimes question the musicianship of the modern era but when I hear tracks like this, I know it’s alive and well.
The simple acoustic riff, the harmonizing group vocals and piano… I love everything about it. If I could sing as he does I’d never talk.
And their off the street/don’t care/everyday slouching outfits and video shot phone style. And they pulled it off live.
I don’t relate with the lyrics in the here and now but there have been times when people hated me. And I didn’t understand why. And then I felt like I owed them an apology.
And then there was that one time that Jimi told me “love is an action.”
Another one of those conversations that changed everything.
When two people first meet they feel a certain kind of love, a romantic high that’s unparalleled. We’re on top of the world and nothing can touch us. And then as the relationship goes on that high fades because they always do.
And many a good people have said that the love is gone from their marriage or relationship or whatever. Unfortunately, that’s how love works. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s not that we didn’t do something right. It’s because romantic love, in the beginning, is designed to stimulate us into loving action.
“Here’s how good life can be with another.”
Life gives us a golden ticket. If I just put that golden ticket into my pocket it’ll lose its luster. It’ll get crumpled. Love’s an amusement park full of thrills and chills so I need to get my ass out there, run away with a beautiful girl, and ride the rides.
Because If I’m not feeling loving all I need to do is act lovingly.
That’s really good advice! It’s true of the Divine also and those highs can be a daily occurrence you can drink from anytime. When you’re in a loving posture with life like you describe and love flows through you, being spiritual for me finds ways to flirt with the Divine because He/She is also romantic. She responds with those touches or synchronicity in various ways.
Love is like the wind that comes and goes and you can’t always keep a hold of it like a slippery fish. But we are dependent on it and it’s how the universe is meant to function. Our source has always been the Divine and to drink from those waters isn’t so easy. It pleases Her to flow through us though like it does when you hold anyone’s baby. You hit the nail on the head though. Try finding a way to flirt with the Divine and maybe she will touch you more often.
You are so correct. I had been giving in to lower frequencies out of laziness… But I need to keep pushing towards positivity. My breakup with my bf of 2 years has made me resentful of men. Thinking they are selfish… How selfish of me to believe that everyone is the same. Today I will believe in love and attraction will follow. Namaste :)
Agreed, the novelty of intense love can only really strike you a few times before it has to subside into a steady everyday thing. It’s not good to just chase another dopamine high, but instead for love to be a steady river. It’s the difference between eating a big meal after a long time of being famished, and having a steady diet that you eat every day.
Love should be the background music, but often shows up in ways that take a bit of effort and routine.
Everything goes up-and-down I suppose. Sometimes life is bright, sometimes it’s a fireball. Sometime it’s not.
And then also it’s good for me to let things go just as the sun sets. It’ll rise tomorrow and life will bring me something new. Maybe another fireball. Maybe not. Doesn’t matter, it’ll be good.
No, it’ll be better than good. It’ll be fucking fantastic. Because life is fantastic.
As Jimi used to tell me when I was miserable over Kathy way back when, “the best is yet to come.”
I would guess there’s been 5-10 relationships I’ve had with people where I’ve written them off. And I’m not talking about small relationships either. These are like personal relationships that have lasted for years.
And I wrote these people off because I had hurt them or they had hurt me and then it just went back-and-forth like some fucked up game of spiteful volleyball.
Wow! It’s scary how much our minds work alike! I’ve always considered myself a “runner”…from 3 marriages, family and friends who have “done me wrong”. You have stated it so much more eloquently than I, but basically the same emotion and consequence. I want you to know I am actually learning “stuff” from you and want to thank you! I enjoy how your quirky mind works! And it sounds like Sara is VERY good for you! ♥️
I’m glad that my words are helping you in your journeys. I think that’s a big part of why we’re here. Not on Facebook, but in the bigger sense. And yep, Sara makes me a better person. :)
That’s cool you embrace that Travis! Our partners and other frienship relationships should bring out the best version of ourselves. I hope and pray that when the cosmos align 😊, I will find that relationship too.
Thank you so much for that Travis! You’re writings, pieces are wonderful. Writing has served a great purpose in my life as well. Thank you again! My best to Sarah! !
Email (besides work) has always been more about personal correspondence akin to the letters I used to write to my peeps in the 80s and 90s. Believe it or not, letters from SGC in Wichita were one of the highlights of going to visit my dad (PGC) after my parents divorced.
I watched my mom go through something last year, something that was heart wrenching and devastating. It made her bitter and angry and changed how she saw things. What happened is her story and not important to this.
What is important and what I want to share is how watching her cope with the whole situation made me a better person. I’m very proud of her, proud of how she went through it with courage, strength, and dignity. That she made it through just by feeling what she was feeling. It gave me hope, made me want to be a better person, made me want to be my best self in times of turmoil.
We live in a time when we do our best to keep all sorts of discomfort away. One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is to sit with my emotions and feel them and be uncomfortable. I went through an angry, bitter time myself. Wish I could have dealt…See More
That’s good stuff. My therapist used to tell me to “be a better person.” Sometimes it seems easier just to be the people that we know how to be but the only thing that does is compound the pain.
We’ll rarely go wrong with striving for something better. And it’s pretty awesome that we get to grow at our own pace.
The first time I was in treatment a counselor told me that all I had to do to get sober was to climb from the ground to the roof of the hospital on the outside walls, in a blizzard, naked, upside down.
She only let me think about how cold it was going to be for a second and then said, “Jim. I lied. That won’t work. What you’re gonna have to do is not drink or use drugs.” She let that shit SINK IN.
I was flabbergasted. I thought sure there was some kind of magic something. A pill. What I really had in mind was a pill. They’d obviously worked so well in the past. But if not magic or a pill or some kind of mysterious hoo dooery, what was it going to be? Never mind what the counselor said, she was out of her goddam mind.
Fast forward a couple hours, piled up, exponentially. Now I’m stark raving sober. Guess what? Sobriety was not a vaccine for life and what ails ya. Complete opposite. It was like stripping the insulation off my goddam nerves. Example:
I slid on the ice and dented a hole in a garage.
My first answer?
Suicide.
No. I’m not joking.
TCR talked about the wiring of me and my ilk. It’s peculiar to say the least. We run to extremes.
Example: The old one about when the guy who took a pill and it felt good. He didn’t want to know what 2 of them felt like.
He wanted to know what THIRTY of them felt like.
Interlude: I think this is why there’s no successful way to make one of us drink or use ‘normally’, as in not to excess. We have to either do it all the way or not at all.
Amusing observation: We’re fun on dates. I knew a girl who was also a qualified substance enthusiast and we went back to her place. About an hour after knowing her she opened up what was literally a wee suitcase and she had battery powered, plug in the wall and wind up amusements. She wasn’t messing around. We nicknamed her the Black and Decker Power Tool Poster Girl. I may have whispered a detail or two to the boys and within the next couple months they beat a path to her (ahem) back door.
Enough about all that. I didn’t think I had any secrets from me. I thought I knew everything there was to know about me. Turns out ‘that demon life’* had some tricks up his sleeve.
**Prepared for Twilight
Scanning Departures
Ancient Illumination
Arrives on Time
In the middle of my life, stark raving sober, I got my heart broke. And it was nobody’s fault but mine. I was still too afraid to use dope again. I was forced to pick up pen and paper (a glowing screen with a keyboard) and start bleating about the after lie.***
Bleating is a wonderful way to get the feelings out of my noggin or heart or guts and into the open air. I was kind of jangly.
^^^The tangled, jangled, star-spangled manner
in which we receive
the blessings inflicted upon us
This wasn’t even the end of the first act. In all truth, there were Parts II, III, IV, etc yet to play out. I liked to think that I kept falling in love but there’s not a lot of validity to the notion of falling when I went running for the cliff with the blinders and handcuffs still on (just a feeble attempt at humor and a nod to Joy, the Black and Decker Girl).
I found out that I stalk abandonment like a, er, a…a junkie with a crush. It doesn’t matter which curtain I choose, Karma and Hubris will always come to collect, and they are timely book keepers. I’ll be screening them calls like a televangelist with a teenage boyfriend, and they’ll still know when I’m hurrying to my car, hoping I only get named and not indicted.
More to follow.
You know why we trudge the road to happy destiny? ‘Cuz it’s hard to tap dance when you’re knee deep in bull shit.
*”that demon life” —- Jagger and Richards
**Prepared for Twilight —- jimihindranceexperience
***”the after lie” —- more jimi
^^^”The tangled, jangled, etc” —- even more jimi (I told you Hubris would have her day in court, didn’t I?)
I forgot to credit Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., for the lines re: “I didn’t think I had any secrets from me. I thought I knew all there was to know about me.”
These lines are lifted virtually verbatim from Slaughterhouse Five. I should have shown more care and merely let them inspire me. When I wrote the above bleat, I intended to credit him and I was typing so fast I forgot. Mea Culpa for the faux pas. The rest is from a tangled, jangled, star spangled hallucination/inspiration resulting from mixing sweet tea, chicken sandwich, night shift and good friends. May we be in Heaven five minutes before the Devil knows we’re Gratefully Dead.
the best way i know to feel my feelings is to get quiet. real quiet. no: music, video on any screen, books and/or other people. pets may be ok, but with qualifiers.
after you been quiet for awhile, sit with that for awhile. whatever comes up, let it. and don’t be surprised if you get…emotional. after the first one or two, you might get ok with it.
Yep, that’s good stuff. I’m the busiest when I got uncomfortable feelings going on. I’m mostly good most of the time at turning off the overdrive and just being alone and quiet with me and whatever I’m feeling.
Momma J
jimi hindrance experience
threecrates
marney0160
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