Audio (MP3): 20180121 - Grace for others
I would guess there’s been 5-10 relationships I’ve had with people where I’ve written them off. And I’m not talking about small relationships either. These are like personal relationships that have lasted for years.
And I wrote these people off because I had hurt them or they had hurt me and then it just went back-and-forth like some fucked up game of spiteful volleyball.
Then usually there came a point where I’d had enough, where I was done with it. It didn’t matter if I would see them every day or not. The relationship was sour as far as I was concerned. Even if they tried to make it better I was like, “Fuck you and your goodwill. That bridge is burnt.”
Writing people off has just always been my go-to thing. People don’t change. They generally just keep being the assholes that they’ve always been.
So there’s somebody in my life now that I’d written off as well. Too many spiked volleyballs and I was tired of getting hit in the face with synthetic leather by some ass who needed to be right at all costs.
Deep down to my toes didn’t care anymore. And I’m sure it was obvious to him. I don’t want to come across as arrogant and say that he was all in the wrong but as far as I’m concerned he was. There’s some dysfunctional humans populating the planet. And plenty of them commit wrong over and over again.
Not long back Sara gave me the seeds of seeing him as a human, faults and all. But I wasn’t there yet. I was holding on to my hurt and frustration because I wasn’t done with it. We were still on opposite sides of the net and I hate sand in my sandals. We can’t force acceptance. It comes on its own. Generally after I’m finished processing and have washed my feet.
So in my interactions with him in the here-and-now I can see that he’s trying to be a better person, get beyond his own shortcomings, his own downfalls and the like. Being who I am, or who I can be, up until this point I was like “good for you” with all the mental sarcasm you can imagine. I’m suspicious by default, been burned^10 by the man holding flowers the day after he smacked you with a switch.
Minor tangent that plays a part in all of this: I’ve been keeping all of my email since 2002. I like history. I like nostalgia. And I’ve had some powerful, healing conversation over that medium.
For whatever reason yesterday I was reading an email Jimi sent me in 2012. It said something along the lines of his missing ingredient had been forgiveness. I’ve written about forgiveness before. It’s no secret that it’s powerful medicine for the sick, salted soul.
I can come across as all holy and spiritual…but make no mistake, I haven’t mastered anything. After learning how intolerant I can be I’m sure the monks would kick me out before nightfall.
Alexa, play Somewhat Damaged by NIN. Volume a billion.
Okay, so here’s the real story…
Yesterday, early evening the written-off guy left me a voicemail. I listened to it and immediately went into “I’m not taking time to even knowledge this” mode. Silent, bitter disgust in all its glory.
But then this morning what Jimi had wrote via email was still lingering in my thoughts. It struck a chord this time. Unlike it did back in 2012.
So earlier today, without putting too much thought into it because I think way too much, I sent my antagonist a follow up email. I answered his questions and even made a little joke. On the weekend. When I usually like my alone time to be all about me and my pursuits.
Grace has been gifted to me by the cosmos. Numerous times. I believe it’d be good for me to regift as well.
And now I feel good, feel spiritual, feel burdenless. Like the feeling when you carry six bags of groceries in from the car and finally set them down on the kitchen floor. What a relief not to be lugging all that around any more.
I feel hopeful, feel positive. I don’t feel like anything is missing. In the cosmic sense of things. I feel like I’m doing my part in the bigger picture. If I’m not doing my part then I ain’t shit.
And I hope he feels good, too, after reading my reply email. If people are making a legitimate effort, consistently, if I can see that they are honestly trying to leave their volleyball days behind then they deserve more than simply being held in contempt. Forever.
I can see him as human, faults and all, just as Sara had reminded me I ought to.
It’s easy to do the right thing when the sailing is smooth and the waters are calm. It’s much harder to live up to my spiritual potential when life’s complicated and messy.
It’s harder when you’ve always been at war with machine X.
But it is possible. If I’m willing. If I seek a spiritual path. If I’m open to walking one.
fleming · Jan 21, 2018 at 10:40 am
Wow! It’s scary how much our minds work alike! I’ve always considered myself a “runner”…from 3 marriages, family and friends who have “done me wrong”. You have stated it so much more eloquently than I, but basically the same emotion and consequence. I want you to know I am actually learning “stuff” from you and want to thank you! I enjoy how your quirky mind works! And it sounds like Sara is VERY good for you! ♥️
tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 10:59 am
I’m glad that my words are helping you in your journeys. I think that’s a big part of why we’re here. Not on Facebook, but in the bigger sense. And yep, Sara makes me a better person. :)
klaurindabrey · Jan 21, 2018 at 7:09 pm
That’s cool you embrace that Travis! Our partners and other frienship relationships should bring out the best version of ourselves. I hope and pray that when the cosmos align 😊, I will find that relationship too.
tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 9:29 pm
You wil! The cosmos is just picking out the right relationship for you.
klaurindabrey · Jan 22, 2018 at 2:32 pm
Thank you so much for that Travis! You’re writings, pieces are wonderful. Writing has served a great purpose in my life as well. Thank you again! My best to Sarah! !
tcr! · Jan 22, 2018 at 8:03 pm
You are most welcome!
gutierrez · Jan 21, 2018 at 11:11 am
The great game of volleyball has been besmirched.
tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 11:19 am
Haha! I hated volleyball when they forced me to play it in high school so I guess it’s a good metaphor for me. 😊
Walker · Jan 21, 2018 at 2:37 pm
I really needed to hear/read this today. People dont change most likey will just keep on being the assholes that they are.
tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 4:39 pm
I need to hear it often as well 😉
jimi hindrance experience · Jan 22, 2018 at 1:10 am
I’ve kept most correspsondence since before that. I also read old emails for inspiration and refresher courses.
tcr! · Jan 22, 2018 at 8:35 am
Email (besides work) has always been more about personal correspondence akin to the letters I used to write to my peeps in the 80s and 90s. Believe it or not, letters from SGC in Wichita were one of the highlights of going to visit my dad (PGC) after my parents divorced.