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Generous with my humility

tcr! · Aug 31, 2018 at 10:25 am

Audio (MP3): 20180831 - Generous with my humility

Red candle in the dark

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
— Step 8 of Alcoholics Anonymous

When I got to the Eighth Step I was kind of disappointed that they use the word “harmed.” I didn’t like it because I didn’t like the thought of me actually hurting people. We get a taste of peace after working the previous steps and then Step Eight comes crashing in like a bowling ball. Announcing we’d done harm.

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2 comments

RecipeForIceCubes · Aug 31, 2018 at 12:50 pm

Very well stated. I was in a cycle of feelings and buried guilt myself. After I made some amends many others became easier and what I received back was mostly positive outcomes. Some people were neutral and others simply had forgotten what I was trying to apologize for.

The living amends I have either chosen to have or simply must carry with me due to absenteeism of the the person/people help me daily also. Keep it rolling Friend. One day, hour or minute at a time. AA will always have our backs.

tcr! tcr! · Aug 31, 2018 at 2:10 pm

It’s truly a blessing that we can honestly let go of those cyclical feelings and buried guilt with Steps 8 and 9.

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Miracles are seen in light

tcr! · Apr 27, 2018 at 9:32 am

Audio (MP3): 20180427 - Miracles are seen in light

Miracles are seen in light

I fall short in life.

That’s not a judgment call or me being hard on myself. It just is. I’m just another guy wandering around aimlessly doing my best…and sometimes doing my least.

Struggling to maintain that non-mistake-making state only makes my life harder. Letting that struggle go gave me so much more free time to enjoy life and the company of my fellow humans.

Well, I guess I never really expected myself to be perfect but I was pretty good at torturing myself when I did screw up. I wouldn’t let that shit go for whatever reason. Constantly feeling bad about myself is all bullshit, though. I make mistakes and then I feel bad about them for the appropriate amount of time and then I move on.

Letting ourselves be human brings our stress levels down. Our bodies will thank us. Our souls will thank us, too, and so will our peeps. People will love being with us when we’re not ruminating over something dumb that happened a week ago.

Okay, so that’s all fine and good. I’ve made peace with all that. Made peace with making mistakes.

But the thing is, if I’m intolerant of another person when they come up short, either every day or once in a blue moon, then I’m just an asshole.

😊 #advancedsoul #forgiveness #diariespodcast

6 comments

fleming · Apr 27, 2018 at 9:51 am

Again, this hits home….ESPECIALLY the last sentence! Thank you!

tcr! tcr! · Apr 27, 2018 at 10:21 am

You are most welcome!

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jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Apr 28, 2018 at 3:07 am

Thank you. I don’t always comment but I know you don’t take that personal. Love these affirmations. :)

tcr! tcr! · Apr 28, 2018 at 1:08 pm

Nope, it’s hard for me to take things person these days.

tcr! tcr! · Apr 28, 2018 at 1:09 pm

Also, SGC wrote the words in the picture. Maybe 13 or 14 years ago.

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marney0160 marney0160 · May 5, 2018 at 9:53 am

Love it!

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Grace for others

tcr! · Jan 21, 2018 at 9:26 am

Audio (MP3): 20180121 - Grace for others

Sun shining on the snow

I would guess there’s been 5-10 relationships I’ve had with people where I’ve written them off. And I’m not talking about small relationships either. These are like personal relationships that have lasted for years.

And I wrote these people off because I had hurt them or they had hurt me and then it just went back-and-forth like some fucked up game of spiteful volleyball.

Then usually there came a point where I’d had enough, where I was done with it. It didn’t matter if I would see them every day or not. The relationship was sour as far as I was concerned. Even if they tried to make it better I was like, “Fuck you and your goodwill. That bridge is burnt.”

Writing people off has just always been my go-to thing. People don’t change. They generally just keep being the assholes that they’ve always been.

So there’s somebody in my life now that I’d written off as well. Too many spiked volleyballs and I was tired of getting hit in the face with synthetic leather by some ass who needed to be right at all costs.

Deep down to my toes didn’t care anymore. And I’m sure it was obvious to him. I don’t want to come across as arrogant and say that he was all in the wrong but as far as I’m concerned he was. There’s some dysfunctional humans populating the planet. And plenty of them commit wrong over and over again.

Not long back Sara gave me the seeds of seeing him as a human, faults and all. But I wasn’t there yet. I was holding on to my hurt and frustration because I wasn’t done with it. We were still on opposite sides of the net and I hate sand in my sandals. We can’t force acceptance. It comes on its own. Generally after I’m finished processing and have washed my feet.

So in my interactions with him in the here-and-now I can see that he’s trying to be a better person, get beyond his own shortcomings, his own downfalls and the like. Being who I am, or who I can be, up until this point I was like “good for you” with all the mental sarcasm you can imagine. I’m suspicious by default, been burned^10 by the man holding flowers the day after he smacked you with a switch.

Minor tangent that plays a part in all of this: I’ve been keeping all of my email since 2002. I like history. I like nostalgia. And I’ve had some powerful, healing conversation over that medium.

For whatever reason yesterday I was reading an email Jimi sent me in 2012. It said something along the lines of his missing ingredient had been forgiveness. I’ve written about forgiveness before. It’s no secret that it’s powerful medicine for the sick, salted soul.

I can come across as all holy and spiritual…but make no mistake, I haven’t mastered anything. After learning how intolerant I can be I’m sure the monks would kick me out before nightfall.

Alexa, play Somewhat Damaged by NIN. Volume a billion.

Okay, so here’s the real story…

Yesterday, early evening the written-off guy left me a voicemail. I listened to it and immediately went into “I’m not taking time to even knowledge this” mode. Silent, bitter disgust in all its glory.

But then this morning what Jimi had wrote via email was still lingering in my thoughts. It struck a chord this time. Unlike it did back in 2012.


Forgiveness mainly


So earlier today, without putting too much thought into it because I think way too much, I sent my antagonist a follow up email. I answered his questions and even made a little joke. On the weekend. When I usually like my alone time to be all about me and my pursuits.

Grace has been gifted to me by the cosmos. Numerous times. I believe it’d be good for me to regift as well.

And now I feel good, feel spiritual, feel burdenless. Like the feeling when you carry six bags of groceries in from the car and finally set them down on the kitchen floor. What a relief not to be lugging all that around any more.

I feel hopeful, feel positive. I don’t feel like anything is missing. In the cosmic sense of things. I feel like I’m doing my part in the bigger picture. If I’m not doing my part then I ain’t shit.

And I hope he feels good, too, after reading my reply email. If people are making a legitimate effort, consistently, if I can see that they are honestly trying to leave their volleyball days behind then they deserve more than simply being held in contempt. Forever.

I can see him as human, faults and all, just as Sara had reminded me I ought to.

It’s easy to do the right thing when the sailing is smooth and the waters are calm. It’s much harder to live up to my spiritual potential when life’s complicated and messy.

It’s harder when you’ve always been at war with machine X.

But it is possible. If I’m willing. If I seek a spiritual path. If I’m open to walking one.

#advancedsoul #forgiveness #grace #diariespodcast

2 comments

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Jan 22, 2018 at 1:10 am

I’ve kept most correspsondence since before that. I also read old emails for inspiration and refresher courses.

tcr! tcr! · Jan 22, 2018 at 8:35 am

For sure!

Email (besides work) has always been more about personal correspondence akin to the letters I used to write to my peeps in the 80s and 90s. Believe it or not, letters from SGC in Wichita were one of the highlights of going to visit my dad (PGC) after my parents divorced.

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Apr 6th, 2017 at 3:22:53 pm

tcr! · Apr 6, 2017 at 3:22 pm

One of the greatest things about my life right now is that I don’t feel like I owe anybody an apology nor do I feel like anyone owes me one either.

That’s pretty bad ass.

#forgiveness #goteam

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