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Cicada on the screen

tcr! · Aug 23, 2016 at 6:41 pm

Cicada on the screen 1 Cicada on the screen 2

#photos #cicadas

1 comment

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 24, 2016 at 3:12 am

i have enjoyed the cicada most this year. very shady lot outside my apartment. lots of the tree the bug love.

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Maggie’s Skull Bow t-shirt design

tcr! · Aug 22, 2016 at 9:39 am

Maggie's Skull Bow t-shirt design

Maggie just sent me her first t-shirt design. ☠❤️

#maggie #fashion #forsale

Get the t-shirt

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I bought a pack of cigarettes last night

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 10:21 pm

I hadn’t boughten a pack in maybe over six months. My ecig fits the bill. Mostly.

Something felt missing as I was making my way home. Not like a fundamental thing but more a minor detail, a bow on a present, a knot on a shoe. A sentence without a period.

Regardless of the horrible taste, the everywhere ashes, the smoke in my eyes — smoking feels right. The cigarette felt right in my hand. It felt right on my lips. The smoke felt right in my lungs. I felt right with the world.

And that feeling of “right” terrorizes alcoholics and addicts their whole lives once they’ve tapped into it.

There’s no going back. Something will always feel missing because we know.

skull matchbook

#alcoholism #cigarettes

5 comments

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 22, 2016 at 1:10 pm

Jaheezius Henry Christ. On a Pogo Stick.

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tcr! tcr! · Aug 22, 2016 at 5:58 pm

I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. 😀

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jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 23, 2016 at 1:26 am

it is strongly identifying with, IE: “I KNOW”. it isn’t good or bad. fill-in-the-blank is a disease. we didn’t ask for it. etc. in other news: ELO doesn’t like the feeling of narcotics. i was talking to a dr. who only uses his first name and he told me that blank per cent of the population enjoys alcohol, and others don’t. blank per cent of the population enjoys (experiences the effects of as pleasureable) marijuana. and the per cent goes up exponentially for opiates and cocaine. myself? i felt left out a time or two and tried to like tobacco. it makes me deathly ill. i feel nausea and my head spins. i strongly enjoy the feeling of opiates and marijuana. i can usually stand the effects of alcohol. i love sugar and i can eat my weight in shreeump. (my cousins from the gulf coast said this and i was profoundly tickled.) :}

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jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 23, 2016 at 3:26 am

tcrbang! contest: i’ve boughten into the whole concept and i’ve gotten good at it. ~~~~ :)

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jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 23, 2016 at 5:35 am

and on another plane, the skull looks exactly like me. take a look at me and my little brother don. now just imagine that not only are the whiskas not there, but neither is the fat, skin, and muscle. or the fate. i gave up early, it’s true, but gravity has won. don is 13 months younger than me. he’s got 2 kids and one grandchild. i got 2 cats and a pernicious…case of arthritis. i am at least an inch taller than don but you’d never know it anymore. like the knights of columbus and those silly red capes, i been itching to use pernicious in a goddam sentence. and you know how i love my elipsi…

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Aug 21st, 2016 at 4:00:00 pm

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 4:00 pm

Blue skies and white clouds above the cornfields

Blue skies and white clouds above the cornfields.

#photos #blueskies

2 comments

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 23, 2016 at 1:29 am

i drove across to iowa on saturday and returned on monday. it was like this. no humidity. no rain. i was stark raving sober and i felt like driving off a cliff… that’s a comment on how i feel a little off when things are good. begin to feel a need to punish myself.

tcr! tcr! · Aug 25, 2016 at 8:03 am

There’s much to be said for that. I feel undone when life’s a mess but I can also feel undone when life’s a pie.

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Aug 21st, 2016 at 12:54:27 pm

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 12:54 pm

I’m in the Target checkout aisle.

The lady in front of me is taking pictures of each of her items.

As she takes them out of her cart.

One by one.

#allislost

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A passel of piggy picking up

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 11:15 am

Wedlock collars

I’ve never been in a hog processing plant. When I lived in Iowa I knew people who had though. Knew people who worked the second and third shifts. Knew people who worked on the kill floor. Work comes up in conversation as it does now and then and every once in a while I’d hear stories.

If a story provokes me hard enough I’ll form a complicated, detailed mental playhouse of it. And it’ll stick like glue, turn into an everlasting memory that my imagination makes all too real. It’ll become part of my story. Follow me around like gum on my shoe. For life.

I often accidentally think of the hogs in whatever warehouse room they’re herded into before they actually make it to the kill floor. Again, I’ve never been in such a place but I get sucked into the dirty, gritty gum when the hogs beckon.

It’s dark and hard to see in the pre-kill chamber. Because the corporate doesn’t want you to. The workers shouldn’t see the hogs nor should the hogs see each other. Seeing the animal eyeballs of panic would only amplify the room’s sweaty electricity.

The floor is concrete, permanent and unnatural. There’s no give.

The workers stand behind railings up above. They wear Leatherface aprons, backward capes. They’re the unintentional supervillains, paid by the hour.[1]

I’m down with the hogs, moving as part of the chaotic herd. I’m not one of them because I always play the outsider but I am one with their stress.

Hurried hog silhouettes herding in panic. Unknowingly moving, running. The wrong way. Pivoting their front ends left and right because they don’t have necks. Looking for an out but only bouncing off one another and continuing their momentum forward.

The room’s energy is filled with heated power. I don’t know how big it is. It’s like being in a nightclub and it’s so dark that you become disoriented and lost.

I see flashes of chemically stretched animal flesh as the swine prison spotlights make their way to and from. Sometimes the lights are only a few hanging flood lamps, swaying with a gentle horror.

The pigs wear collars similar to those Rutger Hauer wore in Wedlock. I don’t know why they need them.

If I were a better artist I’d draw what I imagine as a comic book cover.

It’s never quiet either. The hog hoofs march the concrete in nonuniform muffled clapping. There’s a constant frenzy of short lived screams. Not death screams but outbursts of piggy alarm. Cry outs. High-pitched shrills of Mel Gibson’s Freedom.

The hogs are my lambs…but they were never real for me.

After I typed that last sentence I paused. I realized Clarice isn’t real either. But not to me. Movies and characters and plots can (and often do) take non-fictional places in my head. They become history.

In my darkest, blackest, most panicked times my fright is televised internally. As those pigs. In that room. My horror is nowhere near the magnitude as the hogs’ and being funneled into whatever electric chamber but…when dread overtakes me and I can’t think clearly…I generally see, hear, feel this warehouse space played on some twisted massacre loop.

Not long after Kathy and I divorced, I had an outburst outpouring captured in the song below. The music is much more audibly harsh than the scene I describe above, what I actually hear, but I had a recent breakup swirling and all. It was an attempt though to translate how the hogs manifest when I’m alone.

grahm sexton - tap dance - MP3

Hmm. I didn’t intend to go this far down the rabbit hole. I’ve never told anyone of the hogs before. They’ve been with me since the first time I saw Carrie and a sadistic John Travolta. The playhouse solidified when I lived up the street from a processing plant.

Anyway.

A couple of years ago when anti-socializing with the terrorized hogs in the slaughterhouse asylum, I told Jimi of whatever inescapable distress I was in the midst of. That I wasn’t taking my spiritual antibiotics, that I was just freaking out with the other hogs. I felt as if life had been hitting me with a shock rod over and over again.

I hadn’t prayed for a couple of days. Or sought spiritual guidance. All was lost.

Jimi said to me, “Well, ya better start praying again.”

Oh.

The most divine answers are the most simplistic. I lose sight of that easily.

I talked about this not long ago in a meeting but want to reiterate its value to me. The value is the main reason I started writing this blurb that put my hysterical hog factory on public display. In the department store window.

Just because I haven’t prayed for a couple of days doesn’t mean that I can’t start praying again. Like right now.

Often times when I don’t do things that I should, my mind goes to this place where I can never do them again. I haven’t called a friend in awhile so I can never again pick up the phone sorta thing. And the longer the time since the last, the more I feel like I can’t. I have to give up entirely. Too much time has passed and I’ve lost my chance, the window closed. The department store turned off its lights.

I don’t know why this is.

But I can. I can pick up the phone. I can reach out. I can go to a meeting. I can pray. I can pick up where I left off. It’s not too late. It never is. I don’t have to quit completely. The only one who says I can’t is me.

Stop thinking, stop fretting. If I start thinking my wheels start moving. And then they start spinning. And then I never go anywhere.

Stop road-blocking, cock-blocking yourself. That was vulgar I know but whatever.

My point is we can (and should regularly) give ourselves permission to do the things that — for whatever reason — we tell ourselves we can’t.

Take the piggy out.

Embrace knowing that there are no warehouses. There’s only freedom from our own limitations.

#confessional #lettherebehope


  1. I have no judgment on the workers. America’s gotta eat.

2 comments

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 23, 2016 at 1:36 am

i don’t always know how to say that i appreciate these musing. much.

tcr! tcr! · Aug 25, 2016 at 8:03 am

Thanks :)

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Vacuums and voids and parking spaces

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 9:17 am

When C. lived here she and I both had our own parking spots in front of the house. Nothing formal, just spots we had fallen into parking.

It became common for me to glance out the kitchen window and see The Cube in her spot. There was a reassurance when I would see it, know that she was here.

Other times I would unintentionally look out the window to see if she was home yet from work.

After she moved out and my eyes wandered to that kitchen window, I’d feel a tug at my heart strings seeing that void, that empty spot.

Over the last few days I’ve started parking where she once did because that’s the better spot. I’m still getting used to seeing my truck there because it feels unnatural.

But it’s a shift into that new normal.

kitty eats car

#confessional

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Batman: The Dark Knight Returns animated movie

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 8:40 am

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Deluxe Edition

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Deluxe Edition - Amazon Video

FEATURING PARTS 1 AND 2 OF “BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS” SAGA! From the chronicles of the DC Universe comes the sweeping saga of rebirth, revenge and redemption.

Speaking of Batman, you should really watch this if you haven’t already. The adaptation is quite good and the graphic novel changed comics as we know them.

I only wish that I hadn’t let my original 1986 issue fall into such despair. 😢

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns - original 1986 graphic novel

#movies #comics #batman

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So Bill Kane wasn’t the only creator of Batman

tcr! · Aug 21, 2016 at 8:24 am

Detective Comics number 27

Bill Finger Finally Gets A Credit For The First Batman Comic

What makes this issue really significant, however, is that to my knowledge, it’s the first time Batman’s co-creator, Bill Finger, has received a cover credit for the original Batman story.

Finger is, of course, the writer of the earliest Batman comics, whose contributions to the creation of the Dark Knight include the costume and color scheme, the origin story, the lack of superpowers, the words “Batmobile” and “Gotham City,” Robin, the Joker, and numerous other elements. Unfortunately, due to some legal trickery by his collaborator and actual supervillain Bob Kane, Finger’s never been officially identified with a “Batman created by” credit in any published works or films or other Batman media.

Somehow I missed this in my internet travels of 2014.

I had always believed that Kane was the sole force behind Batman. Okay, so maybe Batman was his initial idea but the “created by” part is misleading. Much of what makes Batman who he is is his story, his parents being shot, him being a vigilante and so on. Those things fall into the creation bucket as far as I’m concerned.

Bob Kane was one of my heroes and this took him down a few notches in my book.

Funny how everyone is human after all.

Another related read: 5 Ways Batman’s TRUE Creator Got Screwed Out Of His Legacy

#comics #batman

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Catwoman water color art

tcr! · Aug 20, 2016 at 1:59 am

Catwoman water color art

I can’t help but be in love with Catwoman.

#confessional #art #catwoman

2 comments

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Aug 23, 2016 at 1:37 am

who’s the artist? because i love her. who do ya suppose bit their finger like that the first time?

tcr! tcr! · Aug 25, 2016 at 8:04 am

Not sure but I wish I knew. I’d like to see more.

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