Guys, what I’m about to tell you is going to change everything from here on out.

Portillo’s is doing delivery! 🎉

This may not apply to all locations but Maggie and I are in the St. Charles location now and there’s literally fliers on every tray and a new panel on every catering table display. I’ve never had their catering myself. Because mostaccioli. Have you seen that stuff? It’s like your weird cousin that comes over at Thanksgiving, dressed in aluminum foil and sliced cheese, smelling like burnt noodles and Lysol. And then he sticks to the serving spoon like some kind of edible Elmer experiment gone horribly wrong.

I heard that over in Europe they take all their leftover mostacolli (which means all their mostacolli) and mix it with cement for their highways. That’s why their roads never fall apart. They got roads dating back to King George II. Which is also around the time somebody first thought of catered mostacolli.

Okay, I made that last paragraph up. I’m sure Portillo’s mostacolli is lovely.

Anyways, the flier also says, “Exclusive offers!” for the delivery patrons. I hope this means year round lemon cake for us techno-heads, living and ordering foodies like it’s 2017. Sara made me go through the drive-thru once just for said cake. And I did it. And now I’m telling you about it. Because their lemon cake is THAT GOOD.

I also see that you can order at portillos.com or through their app. Personally, I’ll order through their website because the last thing I need is yet another app on my phone, wanting to send me notifications, wanting access to my microphone, wanting to take lewd pictures of itself or whatever apps do that have no photo functionality but still want access to my camera.

Wait… I just thought of something. If they deliver how will the drivers resist the french fry smell? NOBODY can resist that smell in the car. It calls to both man and woman, boy and girl. I’d get my order and prob half the fries would be gone. 🍟😢

I’d want a guaranteed fry count for sure.

#technology #portillos

#videos #sears

I forgot to get candy for the treaters on the way home from work 😞 and now that I have my shoes off there’s no going back. Luckily past-me bought a doorbell I could unplug. Sorry kids. Better luck next year.

#photos #halloween #homeimprovement

Audio (MP3): 20171031 - Mildy Seeking Mannequins

I still need to get a couple mannequins. I think about this often, at least daily. Well, maybe every other day. They’ll provide some kind of ambience, some kind of atmosphere that I need. In my house. Preferably the dining room.

No, there’s nothing sexual or weird going on behind the scenes here. I’m not gonna drill any holes in them or have different outfits based on different seasons. I may, however, throw a scarf around one if it’s chilly outside. Something to keep them looking current and fresh.

Think of them more as art pieces, as sculptures, and less as companions. I’m not J.F. Sebastian over here. They won’t have backstories or names or be scantily dressed.

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This is Maggie announcing to Snapchat that she has an orchestra concert tonight. 😊

This pose is the dab for those not in the know. That might not even be the right way to say it, “the dab.”

It might be “dabbing.” I can’t keep up with the kids and their music.

#photos #maggie

Where the hell my pink spray paint???

#fashion

Thanks, cat! I was hoping somebody would tear my insulation out before winter. 👍

#photos #cats #homeimprovement

My favorite thing to do when somebody’s upset is to tell them to “calm down.”

Please note: this usually doesn’t do me any favors. Nor does it make the other person relax. Usually the opposite.

😉 #protip

So when I’m finishing off a box of cereal there’s always a few AWOLs left in the box.

Do you guys finish them off or nah? Does it depend on the make and model?

#photos #cereal #toughcall #thestruggleisreal

Audio (MP3): 20171028 - Social grace at the ATM drive-through

Please note local residents: ATM drive-throughs are one way. You should not back up for any reason. Think of the ATM lane to be like a waterslide. You should only go down, never up. If you try to swim or climb back up le slide, chances are you’ll destroy the very fabric that holds our universe together. Yes, I’m talking to you lady at the BMO by Blue Goose.

Also, please resist the urge to get out of your car. Or truck. Or whatever you’re in to.

In conclusion: if you like to do your banking on foot and/or while utilizing both the backwards and the forwards of your automobile, just go inside. You’ll get to do both.

You’ll even have the option to enjoy a Dum Dum. Instead of being one. 🍭

#trafficnews #socialproblems #diariespodcast