Audio (MP3): 20180210 - Mostly it just makes you feel worse

And then there was that one time when one of my brothers called me out of the blue. I hadn’t talked to him in close to three years and we were just catching up, talking about a whole lot of nothing. And then without warning or skipping a beat or barely pausing for a breath, he asked me if, when we all lived together, if I had slept with his girlfriend.

Oh 😬

I wasn’t taken completely off guard as I stood in the kitchen with the phone up to my ear. I knew that this day was coming but still, somethings you can never truly prepare for.

I hesitated for a moment and then said “yes” and that I was sorry. Relationships are sacred and I played a part in destroying one of his. I didn’t really want to say anything to him, own that dreadful behavior but I confessed because he deserved an honest answer. He deserved me being accountable to him right then and there. Plus, lying makes me crazy and being honest keeps me sane.

After he heard my confession he kinda acted like it wasn’t a big deal but I could tell that his feelings were hurt. Getting confirmation for something you knew all along was true often doesn’t make you feel any better. Mostly it just makes you feel worse.

You maybe wondering why I hadn’t made my amends to him sooner. I have a fairly simple answer. It had been over 10 years since the three of us had lived together and I had only seen him one time since, maybe in 1999. Just in passing really. There are certain subjects where one needs to wait until the time is right. Carelessly blurting out secrets of this magnitude can be just as reckless and as hurtful as whatever crime has been committed.

And yeah, I could’ve called or written him a letter since we lived in different states but I wanted to talk with him face-to-face. I felt he deserve that, that physical closeness. I wanted him to see the real remorse and regret in my eyes, the pain in my heart for what I had done to him, the pain I had caused. So when he called in 2002 and asked me point blank, I knew it was time.

After I came clean my brother and I’s conversation didn’t last much longer. Hanging up the phone I was filled with sadness, didn’t feel I had his forgiveness. There had only been an admission.

I had admired and looked up to him for much of my life. When we were kids he had never really treated me as an equal. Older brothers generally don’t, but when he had invited me to come live with them I felt that had all changed. Like I was one of his peers. And then I had let him down. Well, more than that. I had broken his heart.

My ex-wife was in the next room and she had heard most of our phone call. She could tell that I was rattled when she came into the kitchen. I told her what the scoop was, what I had done. She was supportive and understanding, said all the things one should say…but I always wondered how much of those few moments had changed her perception of me.

Anyways, another decade and more have passed and I’ve let most of my guilt go. I pray that god heals him in time just as god has healed me as well. I hope he finds his peace but also know he has his own share of demons in the basement to deal with. And most of them have nothing to do with me.

I’ve only talked to him one other time since that particular phone call, sometime in 2011 I think. He called me from a payphone drunk and obnoxious, yelling at people passing him by on the street. I was embarrassed for him. And it’s hard for me to admire him anymore. Even more so when between rants he angrily said to me, “What, are you too good to talk to me anymore?”

I ended that conversation by hanging up on him. Part of being restored to sanity means realizing I don’t have to tolerate abuse from someone in the present just because I hurt them in the past.

Mostly, I do feel as if I have peace with my brother now. I’ve came to terms with my part in all of it. And I did the only thing I could do in a grim situation like that: be direct, honest, and sincere.

And yes, what goes around comes around.

#confessional #relationships #diariespodcast

For your Saturday morning viewing pleasure.

Somehow I ended up on the above video after Alexa sent me down a rabbit hole by playing Burial Service from the Death of Queen Mary. Don’t ask me why she played this for me on a weekend morning.

See also: Moog version of the Funeral March.

#videos #theshining

Audio (MP3): 20180210 - What to do when someone bails the conference call

Question posted to Facebook:

Just got stood up for an 8am conference call. Any suggestions for punishments for the offending party?

My answer:

I just like to stay on the call even when nobody shows up. I relax, have a nice cup of tea for an hour or so. Enjoy the silence. Wonder what I’m getting for my birthday this summer. Wonder why I still think about my birthday presents at this age. Sometimes I’ll even check the expiration date on my Hot Tamales. Have you ever had a stale Hot Tamale? Don’t bother. They’re the worst.

Abandoned conference calls are one of those rare moments in life when you get a freebie. Like when you pull into a parking spot where the previous guy over paid. You have an hour, all expenses paid trip to wherever you wanna go. Nothing can touch you because you’re booked for that time slot. And then when your boss asks “how was the call” you can say, “Pretty low-key. No real action items on my end.”

#worknews #missedconnections #diariespodcast

I’m just their heating pad.

#photos #cats

Snowplow covered the base of this tree trunk with 50 pounds deep of snow.

Icicles on the left as big as me.

#photos #weather

You know you’re onto something when Alexa just shuts down.

#videos #alexa

See that blue strip and the black marker? That’s an awesome snowstorm traveling west to east and le marker is me. Yes, it did indeed drop an exaggerated (mildly) 100 feet high and 50 pounds deep of snow. In my yard alone.

So the next person that says snow is pretty🖕

I had to shovel all that bullshit just now instead of taking my afterwork nap. Like I’m supposed to.

#weather #thestruggleisreal #napsarespiritual

Coworker: What’s so funny?

Me: Nothing, I’m just 12.

#photos #fuchs

Audio (MP3): 20180209 - A cranberry stuck

The scene is my work desk. I’m eating cashew, almond, and cranberry trail mix. One of the cranberries jumped from the cup. I saw it happen but didn’t hear the landing. After a mildly-extensive berry-hunt the fruit-trail gone-went cold. I cannot find the little asshole. I fear I may be walking around with a cranberry stuck on my ass for the rest of the day.

I’m gonna power down my computer. Pack up my snacks, shave my head, braid my beard. Leave these snow covered lands and move to Island of Misfit Toys. Live out my days with the rest of the freaks.

#allislost #snacks #diariespodcast

Maybe I’m just old and still see email as sacred, and as such rigorously protect it.

I also shallwould, in fact, like “drivelly” to be a real word.

#email #wordsmith