Sara took me up to Arlington Heights where she grew up. This was a door on the back of one of her old apartment buildings.

I think the real story is down there. Unfortunately this portal was locked…but do you civic duty, kids, and turn every knob you meet.

#photos #basement

Me: Alexa, play some music that I might like.

Alexa starts playing Hungry Like the Wolf.

Me: YES! Alexa, you sweet bitch, volume 1000!!! 💪

Alexa: Sorry, you can only set the volume between zero and 10.

Me: 😭

#alexa #fail

Well, I better get started then.

🍩 #photos #donuts

I normally don’t take pictures of my bed but … Hail Satan. If you’re new here, it’s funny.

#photos #hailsatan #homeimprovement

Audio (MP3): 20180119 - Cleaning the stove at 5:17 pm on a Friday

I’ll get to the picture in a minute. The real question is why am I having 2 to 3 bowel movements a day on average? Is it my diet? My posture? My sleep schedule? My collection of fine leather pirate boots?

I’m just kidding. I don’t poop that often. Really, it’s none of your business.

But what I’m not kidding about is the phrase “bowel movement.” The next time I hear someone utter those two words together I’m gonna lose it. And then puke.

Nobody should say that ever. You either poop or you take a shit. And which you do depends on the urgency.

I even had to school my dentist on this fact. Well, I didn’t really but I will if the situation ever comes up.

My mom used to say it to me all the time when I was a kid. Because she’s a nurse. And that’s what they do. But it’s 2018 so stop saying that. Everybody.

That phrase is too many syllables for kids anyways. They just wanna take a dump (that works, too) and get back to playing Berserk on Atari. They don’t ever want to know what’s going on inside their bodies — if it’s the bowels or the intestines or any of that other internal plumbing. They got kid stuff to do.

Now then. As to why I tore apart the top of my stove in a cleaning OCD fit on a Friday night after work… I have no idea. I guess that’s what you do when you’re me.

And then in the middle of my scrub frenzy I gotta poop and I’ll be damned if these two horrible words didn’t pop into my head like Satan from the bowels of Hell. So I want to put an end to all of that.

I’m not knocking my mom or the other healthcare professionals. Those are the kind of things that they say. And if they want to continue to say them, they should do it within the confines of their workspace.

Leave us normal people to poop in peace.

#ocd #poop #protip #diariespodcast

Enjoy your weekends and your each others.

🌞 💖 📸 #photos #protip #happyfriday

What you need to know today:

Everything is going to be alright.

#protip

I was trying to get a good panoramic picture of the lit parts of the pink kitchen.

This one’s not bad for a night time shot. View full size →

#photos #pinkkitchen

Telescoping effect - Wikipedia

In cognitive psychology, the telescoping effect (or telescoping bias) refers to the temporal displacement of an event whereby people perceive recent events as being more remote than they are and distant events as being more recent than they are. The former is known as backward telescoping or time expansion, and the latter as is known as forward telescoping.

Oh, that was just last year when I got my Vespa bag five years ago.

PS- I’m still using it today.

#telescoping

I’m always so proud of myself when I walk out of the grocery store without any ice cream.

In related news: I’m always so disappointed with myself when I’m sitting on the couch without any ice cream.

#confessional