The function/method MUST return the number of bytes written.
Why? I’m really not sure, but it must be done or it throws errors at you till you die.

#devhell

Being a dork web developer who:

• loves code
• is forced to use WordPress to manage a client’s hideous content
• because the client sends me mangled rich-text emails
• loves the WP theme devs who hard-code sort columns and orders in their PHP

Well, I guess all of that combined makes me want to punch myself in the face.

#devhell

See also:

“I have a request for our fans. If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us — leave us the fuck alone! Don’t come to our shows and don’t buy our records.”
—Kurt Cobain

While I’m here, I might suggest you watch this ten minute video of Jackson Pollock. He’s one of the few heroes of mine who I could actually pull of his hair style. The cigarette dangling out of his mouth is most appealing.

And finally, as a note, if you jump off the deep end I’m probably not going to follow you.

#advancedsoul

Good one Google.

🙄 #devhell #google

Writing a valid, functional, and strict MySQL regular expression for latitudes and longitudes is much harder than I thought it would be. Note that I said “MySQL” because they have their own regex engine apparently.

#devhell #mysql

If you use a micro-framework for your code then you get a micro amount of functionality.

#devhell #protip

This is why I hate linking to 3rd party libraries. A website that’s been happily chugging along for years now has a broken contact form. Nobody has been able to submit contact requests for who knows how long because the captcha check fails.

See also: CAPTCHAs are stupid →

#devhell

At 7:56 am I wrote on twitter:

Apparently DreamHost needs to rebuild and restore the world when one of their VPSes goes down.

https://app.status.io/pages/incident/…

Yes, I’m cranky when my sites are offline for 12 hours.

The website’s back up and running but I needed to restore the database from one of my backups because DreamHost’s copy hadn’t been updated since yesterday around 1 am and I did mine yesterday at 8:45 pm.

All in all the site was unreachable from yesterday at 9:45 pm until today at 12:15 pm. Central time of course.

This has been the worst failure on their part I’ve seen since signing up in April 2010. Almost 24 hours of downtime is unacceptable.

Not to mention it took their support team 8 hours to reply to the ticket I opened. I finally twitter’ed them last night at 11:45 pm.

If I’m feeling rambunctious I may move the databases somewhere else this weekend. But I just hate doing shit like that anymore.

#devhell

//Our catch block will handle any exceptions that are thrown.

Oh. Is that what catches do?

#devhell

I opened a ticket for a bug in my boss’ code today at 1:20 pm.

POST /searched_addresses — throwing Slim error

Type: PDOException
Code: HY093
Message: SQLSTATE[HY093]: Invalid parameter number: number of bound variables does not match number of tokens
File: /var/app/current/src/Models/SearchedAddressRepository.php Line: 219

Fearless Leader updated the ticket at 2:18 pm.

I’ll fix this, but you should be passing the searched address in the GET /docks endpoint.

I updated it at 2:20 pm.

I was not aware of this.

He told me to use POST /searched_addresses in the first place, then lets me implement the code, discover bugs, and then file a bug report on its broken functionality before telling me that I should be using GET /docks instead.

#worknews #devhell

I often inherit projects that morons have previously worked on. I’m tempted to message their personal email accounts whenever I come across a moronic bug that they created.

The email would contain their bug, a quote from the documentation, and a link.

As an example:

Hello Mr. Moron,

Line 547:
$oral_allergy_symptons_unique = array_unique($oral_allergy_symptons);

Note: Note that array_unique() is not intended to work on multi dimensional arrays.

Source: php.net/manual/en/function.array-unique.php

You wasted over an hour of my time this morning troubleshooting your bullshit.

#devhell #fuckingkevin