Sign in to your account



This field is required


forgot your password?


New to the site? Create an account →

A bunch of bills and checks to write

tcr! · Feb 3, 2019 at 9:15 am

Audio (MP3): 20190203 - A bunch of bills and checks to write

Video (MP4): 20190203 - A bunch of bills and checks to write

When I was newly sober, having a list of amends to make was like having a big pile of bills to pay. And I hate that feeling: a stack of checks to write and a list of people and places I owe. It’s just always on my mind, lingering in the back row like somebody murmuring behind you at the movies. When I stopped drinking my conscious woke up and I start hearing the voices of remorse.

And then there was that one time when I was in high school that I stole a whole bunch of books from the public library. It was way back when shoplifting was easy. Go in with a nearly empty backpack, load it up with Hobbit adventures, and walk out. Just be careful and it was really that easy. I didn’t feel any guilt at the time because for whatever reason in my head, the world owed me.

And then some time later when writing my 8th Step list my sponsor and I came up with a dollar amount that I owed them based on how many books I stole. That particular public library was in a different state so I wrote them a check and stuffed it in an envelope along with a letter saying, “I stole some books from you guys several years ago and here’s a check that I hope is compensation.”

Or something like that. It was short and sweet because the best amends are. If I get wordy I tend to want to justify, and my goal was to “pay the money back.”

In the days after mailing the letter I was kind of nervous because I didn’t know if I’d have charges pressed against me or I’d go to jail or whatever. When I put myself out into the unknown I never know what’s going to happen. My mind goes to all kinds of silly places and because I’m me, I assumed jail was in my future for most of my amends.

But I never heard back from the library folk. They just cashed the check a couple of weeks later. And I got on with my life. Another bill off the list and another mess cleaned up.

And that’s how I made all of my amends. As I could, when I was able. Wrote the checks. Paid the debts. One by one.

There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscience.

When I go to sleep now, if anything, I can always be grateful for not having amends to make that I know of. I’ve settled my books as best I can. And it feels good being able to walk into that library now with a clear conscience. That I have nothing to feel bad about. That I’m putting my best self out there instead of being a selfish jerk, helping myself to whatever I want.

When I was drinking I hurt a lot of people and did a lot of bad things. If you’re alcoholic or know one, you know how it goes. I wasn’t unique in the things I did, just par for the alcoholic course.

And it’s no wonder I drank the way that I did based on all the wrongdoings I had done. All the garbage I had piled on top of my soul. I hated looking at myself in the mirror when I was brushing my teeth. Couldn’t stand looking at the face staring back at me. That caused all that pain. Standing in front of the sink was my least favorite place to be.

After making my amends I was finally set free from that burden, finally set free from my past. Fully able to live in the present.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to jail but being released, walking out the door, feeling the fresh air all around, knowing last night is behind you… Well, that’s what making amends is like. It’s a fresh start and a new day ahead. No police, no handcuffs, no fear, and no looking back. Sentence served and restitutions made.

And now when I look in the mirror I generally only see these long eyebrows that I should pluck.

Card catalog featuring Finland to Fossil

#alcoholism #twelvesteps #diariespodcast #diariesvideo

threecrates threecrates · Sep 9, 2020 at 10:35 pm

Never have I felt that it sounds as if you were giving a speech. I’ve always been captivated by your words, whether it be written or spoken. I’m also totally digging the new format/video edits in addition to the DIY audio tracks. And as always it’s wonderfully relatable in regards to recovery. 🎢❀️

tcr! tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:07 am

Thanks man! What you said means a lot and I appreciate it! In another life all I did was record music in my free time and I love splicing audio into spoken word pieces. Then I don’t have to follow the verse, chorus, solo formula. We should definitely record some conversations and/or musics at some point!

threecrates threecrates · Sep 11, 2020 at 10:54 am

I would like that very much!

Reply

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post

sveagrabarek · Sep 10, 2020 at 12:43 pm

September, the 9th month!

tcr! tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:09 am

It was no accident, the cosmos knows what it’s doing πŸ˜‰

tcr! tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:09 am

Okay, I don’t know what that means exactly.

sveagrabarek · Sep 11, 2020 at 4:14 pm

Bills and checks and amends. 9th step, 9th month

Reply

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post

DP · Sep 10, 2020 at 7:27 pm

“There’s no pillow as soft as a clear conscious.” Brilliant

tcr! tcr! · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:54 pm

I wish that was my quote, but it’s still really good none the less 😊

Reply

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post

Momma J Momma J · Sep 10, 2020 at 7:35 pm

I like the Spontaneity. The ah’s don’t bother me. Useful/ Helpful content. I’d much rather see you then listen to the Podcast.

tcr! tcr! · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:58 pm

I think the ah’s only bother me when I listen to what I’ve recorded πŸ˜„

Momma J Momma J · Sep 10, 2020 at 10:54 pm

You are too hard on yourself!

tcr! tcr! · Sep 11, 2020 at 8:17 am

I just have high goals for myself but I’m okay with not people perfect 😊

Reply

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post

battersons · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:44 pm

Beautifully written!

tcr! tcr! · Sep 10, 2020 at 8:58 pm

Thank you!!

Reply

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Sep 12, 2020 at 8:44 am

I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day I’d rather one would walk with me than merely tell the way …is what someone said in a meeting to me. I later found that they were quoting Bruce Carroll. I don’t know anything about Mr. Carroll other than that’s what google said about the lines.

Momma J Momma J · Sep 12, 2020 at 1:39 pm

Perfectly said!

tcr! tcr! · Sep 13, 2020 at 8:13 am

That’s a good thing to carry in one’s pocket

Reply

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post

Add a comment

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post



Latest articles for #alcoholism

AA Grapevine September 2020 issue

AA Grapevine September 2020 issue

Aug 21, 2020 at 5:52 pm

This is pretty cool! My first with anything ever in the AA…

Having a party of one

Having a party of one

Aug 18, 2020 at 12:20 pm

Not long ago I was in the 7-Eleven in Geneva. There was maybe three…

Quenched and unfit for driving

Quenched and unfit for driving

Jul 30, 2020 at 1:30 pm

Sometimes I see an old photo of me and I think, “that’s a…

Grapevine Copyright Agreement Form

Grapevine Copyright Agreement Form

Jun 19, 2020 at 7:57 pm

It only took almost 2 and a half years but the AA Grapevine finally…

πŸŽ™ Listen now β†’