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Communal cigarette larceny

tcr! · Feb 21, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So one time when I was “quit smoking” I was headed up to see my dentist in Elgin. Don’t ask me for a referral. He’s long since retired and is probably off riding a mule in the Grand Canyon these days.

He actually rode a mule there once. A mule by the name of Travis. I heard that story every time I went to see him.

Anyway, whatever stop smoking aid I was using that day wasn’t working. I had a little panic attack and that quickly turned into full blown, terror frenzy.

I stopped and charged into the nearest gas station, drooling at the mouth, doing sign language, knocking over kids and racks of maps. After I got a pack of cigarettes in my hands, I tore into them like a bear after honey, ripping open a beehive regardless of consequences.[1]

I had one in my mouth before even getting outside the gas station. I lit one up in the cool Autumn air and felt the fabulous serenity now. The world made sense. The radio station tuned in. I was a little light headed but the pleasure sensors were firing on all 12 cylinders.

A few minutes later as the smoking cigarette was winding down, the self-disgust was winding up. That “smoking again” love/hate kinda thing. Shaking my head I stubbed the cigarette out and headed back up toward that mule riding dentist.

Driving along Highway 31 and the smoking guilt got to be too much. I remembered what a client had said to me once.

You’re a vegetarian but you smoke??[2]

I stopped at another gas station and threw the pack of 19 cigarettes in the closest garbage can. Then I roared away in the Cube like a bear shot in the neck with a goat tranquilizer.

[…Interlude of tooth song and dance…]

While driving back home the fiery nicotine addiction kicked back in. My body was withdrawing and my mind going berserk. When I get in this spot, frantic desperation will kick my ass every single time.

Yes, of course, I did stop back at that second gas station and did dug the 19 pack back outta the trash.[3] I was literally digging in the garbage can. Of a public place. In broad daylight. In a smoke finding delirium. With my mouth half numb from all the dentistry prodding and poking.

People were looking at me like I was a red-assed baboon, masturbating[4] at the zoo while baring his teeth as a warning.

Keep the children away from him!

If you’ve ever committed this act of communal cigarette larceny you’re not alone.

Peeps, that’s the end of this story. Happy Wednesday!

#smokersunite #socialproblems #diariespodcast


  1. Please note: a bear’s thick coat protects them from being stung. They have little consequence for their actions.

  2. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of disappointment.

  3. Addicts know no shame. Nicotine is one of the most powerful drugs, chemicals, bitches I’ve ever encountered.

  4. Please note: I was fully dressed.

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