My whole life 2day is sort of about honoring the past without living n it, i accept myself 2day, 4 most part & aint living with my head n past or future pretty good bv when u & i’s relationship n the past popped n2 my present moment, thats how i deal with past now, not sweat & cipher & wring my hands, i did that 2 point of redundancy & with another person we both know, she say, ‘yeah, we’re fukn good & what u can do is NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN!!!’ I say, ‘oh’ & so thats how its been. Alot of others actf like I was outta my mind-my fukn insanity was big joyride & if table turned i dont believe thats how i would have perceived it. Jimmy crops n2 my present every now & again cause he did me alot of good & i self-righteously shit on him when he was down.
there were many occasions when he needed a real friend & despite his skills & intuition & knowing i had turned n2 a self-righteous, moralizing reactive prick-he turned 2 me & got his fingers bit by the wounded animal he knew i was. I could be everything but a friend..Just learning bout it now really. I came 2 terms with Jim & I might bump n2 eachother again & if we dont well-it was just best 2 leave it alone… but KNOW i was wrong with him & about him & gave him some really scathing, seething sermons when that bout the last thing he needed. With some others i can say i was big fukhead but when chips were really down i came thru…not so with jimmy-when he really needed me…i failed him everytime :-( but @ l do know it & accept it & can move 4ward.