these are almost true stories from the frontlines:

we had a mandatory meeting re: an epidemic of ennui.  authorities had traced the calls to the suicide hotline and all calls came from our workplace.  4 lines.  at once.

there was a pistol in the middle of the table and a scuffle broke out over who got to shoot themeselves first.

we held hands and sang koom bay yah and a newbie shot the boss.  you take what you get.

the window was open on the 5th floor.  the first 2 were badly injured but after that there was a human cushion and it became kinda fun.  state troopers officially labeled it “hectic” when people started doing cannon balls.

2 midgets wrassled a fat girl to ride to they death and we’ll just say it was an aborted attempt.