Sign in to your account



This field is required


forgot your password?


New to the site? Create an account →

Super Target has Blue Diamonds

tcr! · Oct 26, 2017 at 4:08 pm

Audio (MP3): 20171026 - Super Target has Blue Diamonds

One time my brother ate a whole bag of walnuts. And my mom was furious. She still talks about it to this day even though said feeding happened sometime in the 80s. Apparently the walnuts were a gift to my mom from my grandpa during one of his nation-wide adventures. I think they came from out west but nobody knows for sure since he was known to disappear for weeks on end during his “fishing trips.”

One time grandpa bought a whole everglade forest or something in Florida. On a whim. I had always hoped to see it someday, to see if the elusive feathered-bigfoot-alligator was a real thing. But that never happened because the older I got, the less swamp sounded like fun.

I see I’ve drifted off on a tangent. The above paragraph is neither here nor there to this post. It is not in a fox. It is not in a box. It is not in a boat. It is not in a moat.

Anyways, my mom had planned to make these nutted brownies[1] with the supposedly delicious western walnuts. Alas, she was forced to make brownies sans nuts. And seriously, chances are 92% that if I (or anyone else) ever mention walnuts to her, even in the casualest of conversations, her face will still flush with the fury of a baker betrayed.

Now then… I would like to make restitution on behalf of my walnut-eating brother[2] (and his 80s afro) to my mom and get her a new bag of walnuts. No, I don’t have to do this but I’m sure my mom’s face would also flush if she ever knew about one of the times I [redacted]. Therefore I’ve taken it upon myself to try and fix this little piece of history.

Will it work, beloved and devoted readers?

Well, that’s where you come in: where is the best place to get the best walnuts around town? I’m not looking for the best price, I’m looking for the best nut. Chopped or otherwise. Not ground though. Who the hell can do anything with ground walnuts this late in the season? Certainly not me. And not more than a pound. I’m not stalking up for seed apocalypse here.

Also, be aware: any answers that start with “Super Target has Blue Diamonds” will be publicly mocked.

#helpwanted #diariespodcast


  1. Is that what you call them? Nutted brownies? Or brownies with nuts? You pick.

  2. You maybe asking yourself why he ate a whole bag of walnuts. I wondered myself when I was but a boy. The only thing I can come up with is that he smoked one of his doobies and that put the hunger in bones.

Add a comment

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post



Latest articles for #helpwanted

14 min to 7-Eleven

14 min to 7-Eleven

Nov 7, 2019 at 7:47 am

Apparently I go to 7-Eleven so much that Siri has started offering me…

Oct 21st, 2019 at 6:35:22 pm

Oct 21st, 2019 at 6:35:22 pm

Oct 21, 2019 at 6:35 pm

Me: Alexa, play music to shred cheese to. Alexa: Okay. Here’s Sex…

Sep 7th, 2019 at 9:09:02 pm

Sep 7th, 2019 at 9:09:02 pm

Sep 7, 2019 at 9:09 pm

Who would win in a fight: James Franco or James Earl Jones?…

Aug 21st, 2019 at 10:51:49 am

Aug 21st, 2019 at 10:51:49 am

Aug 21, 2019 at 10:51 am

Which astronaut was it that ate a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine so he…

🎙 Listen now →