Sign in to your account



This field is required


forgot your password?


New to the site? Create an account →

I don’t deserve nice things

tcr! · Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am

Audio (MP3): 20181009 - I don't deserve nice things

Worm in the street

Some time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn’t done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears.

Another substantiated claim that I don’t deserve nice things.

It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I’d like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn’t.

Really though it’s not about deserving as much as “can’t have nice things.” Because I’ll put myself in impossible situations. Where I’ll never win.

It’s a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it’s probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off.

Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won’t. They can’t. I stay in those situations because I’ve dug a hole. It’s pretty much impossible to get out. I don’t know how to do anything else.

And we don’t find nice things in holes. They don’t have them.

After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there.

Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn’t work. And then I give up. Yet again. It’s easier just to give up, accept that everything’s terrible. Because this is just how it’s going to be.

Obviously I don’t feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction.

How I feel is not who I am.

God’s got a bigger plan. Maybe I’m not supposed to have nice things right now.

Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely.

#allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethings

Add a comment

It’d be better if you signed in before commenting


Post



Latest articles for #diariespodcast

About as stupid as the law allows

About as stupid as the law allows

Sep 20, 2020 at 11:15 am

Well, we got here is a phone call I had with my good friend Jimi,…

Having a party of one

Having a party of one

Aug 18, 2020 at 12:20 pm

Not long ago I was in the 7-Eleven in Geneva. There was maybe three…

Of course I can run an elevator

Of course I can run an elevator

May 13, 2020 at 1:00 pm

I was softly clanging around on the MIDI keyboard the other night and…

An irregular but brief aside

An irregular but brief aside

May 1, 2020 at 2:50 pm

I’m going to take an irregular but brief aside. I think…

🎙 Listen now →